


Check, Please

by JiniZ



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-08 23:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1960623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JiniZ/pseuds/JiniZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Town City’s resident superheroes are asked to pick up the tab for the damage done saving the city.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Check, Please

**Author's Note:**

> So, the Greensboro Playwrights' Forum is doing an Evening of Short Plays and the theme is superheroes. I changed the names for that (which is why Black Widow wears a bridesmaid dress - just go with it), but let's face it. It's 100% The Avengers. 
> 
> What's that? The formatting? It's a play. Tons of dialogue, very little exposition.
> 
> Also, this is pure crack. Crackity crack crack.

COUNCILMAN  
Okay. As you can see, we are across from the park, which means that next up on tonight’s agenda is the damage to City Park. Specifically, who’s going to pay for it.

COUNCILWOMAN  
Councilman, isn’t this why we have the rainy day fund? For just such an eventuality?

COUNCILMAN:  
Generally, yes. However, the damage this time around has far exceeded that fund, which is why I asked for it to be on the agenda.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
I agree, that the damage has been excessive, but that is part of living in our fair city. The city picks up the tab on these things.

COUNCILMAN:  
I’m not sure we can manage to do that anymore. With recent cutbacks from Washington, Town City has been forced to pick up more of the tab than in the past. 

COUNCILWOMAN:  
Which we have previously covered by a tax hike.

COUNCILMAN:  
Madam Councilwoman, Town City’s tax rate is already at 78%. Any additional tax and our citizens will vigorously consider moving to City Town across the river. 

COUNCILWOMAN:  
And how do you propose we pay for the cleanup? If Washington won’t give us any more funds and you don’t want to raise taxes, what is the answer?

COUNCILMAN:  
We’ll let them pay for it.

Gestures towards heroes; they grumble.

IRON MAN:  
Now wait just a second. Why do you expect us to pay for that? 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
Isn’t it enough that we go out there every day and risk our lives for yours?

COUNCILMAN:  
To be fair, Captain America, Iron Man is a bazillionaire.

IRON MAN:  
And what has that got to do with anything?

THOR:  
I do not see the relevance.

BLACK WIDOW:  
No, that’s totally fair. Iron Man has money. He should be paying for it.

IRON MAN:  
You’re not helping.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
That actually is a very good idea. You certainly have money to spare, Mr. Guy.

IRON MAN:  
First, you have no idea what my portfolio looks like. I just took a beating – 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
From those Arkeyan Flodhoppers!

IRON MAN:  
My portfolio just took a beating. I’ve got maybe a third of what I had before.

BLACK WIDOW:  
Which is still a bazillion more dollars than any of us has. I’m just hoping my pension is still intact when I’m ready to retire. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
Don’t worry, Black Widow. Your pension has the full backing of the United States government. 

BLACK WIDOW:  
Which is exactly why I’m worried. Hello? Trenton? Fresno? Detroit? 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
I don’t understand that reference.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
We would, of course, provide full medical coverage for you.

THOR:  
I do not require medical assistance. I am a god.

COUNCILMAN:  
Which is appreciated, Mister Thor. Your planet has graciously loaned you to Town City and we recognize you will not be another economic burden to us.

IRON MAN:  
Economic burden? Really?

COUNCILMAN:  
Have you seen what the park looks like?

IRON MAN:  
Well, no. I mean. I was knocked out for part of that fight.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
And thank you, Captain America, for waking him up. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
You’re welcome.

IRON MAN:  
Wait. What? How did you do that? I thought I just came to?

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
Not exactly.

IRON MAN:  
What do you mean not exactly?

BLACK WIDOW:  
(sings) Cap and Iron Man sittin’ in a a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G….

IRON MAN:  
You’re kidding, right?

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
You were in distress. I did the only thing I could think of!

IRON MAN:  
I’m not some damn damsel in distress, Cap!

BLACK WIDOW:  
It was kind of hot, actually. Like ridiculously hot.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
Right? That kiss spawned a hundred fanfiction stories!

IRON MAN:  
Could this day get any worse?

THOR:  
You will forgive me, Man of Iron. My hammer, Mjolnir, senses that a storm is brewing. 

IRON MAN:  
So, literally, “It could be worse; it could be raining,” is happening right now.

THOR:  
Is that not what I said?

COUNCILMAN:  
THOR, I don’t believe a little rain will dampen our agenda. 

COUNCILWOMAN:  
Agreed. We need to have the park fixed. There are hundreds of kids with no place to hang out, disrespecting their elders.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
Maybe that’s a good thing, Ma’am. I’ve noticed that things are not what they used to be. I mean, back – 

ALL:  
Back in my day – 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
Really, guys? 

BLACK WIDOW:  
You do say that an awful lot, Cap. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
What about you?

BLACK WIDOW:  
What about me?

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
Always a – 

ALL:  
Bridesmaid, never a bride.

BLACK WIDOW:  
You people try it sometime, getting stuck in these ridiculous dresses. And they’re always blue. Never green or black. Fucking blue.

THOR:  
I find them very flattering on you, Maid of Brides.

BLACK WIDOW:  
Thank you, Thor.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
Okay, so now that that’s out of the way. Can we please talk about the park now?

IRON MAN:  
What needs to be done? 

COUNCILMAN:  
Well, there’s a strip running through it where you tackled that Flodhopper and slid across the entire length of the park. That needs to be filled in and re-sodded.

IRON MAN:  
That’s it?

COUNCILWOMAN:  
Not quite. The statue of Town City’s founding father was used as a makeshift arrow by Thor. It’s now buried in the ground, head first, up to its feet. That’ll need to be dug out.

THOR:  
It was all I could find!

COUNCILMAN:  
Hey, speaking of which, where’s what’s his name? The guy with the arrows?

IRON MAN:  
We don’t talk about him. 

BLACK WIDOW:  
Not since Budapest.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
It’s a touchy subject. 

THOR:  
You should abandon this topic.

COUNCILMAN:  
Fifteen minutes late with Starbucks, huh? Okay. Black Widow, your damage in this fight consists of several bridal shops being broken into and their inventories slashed with what appears to be a nosegay of sharpened calla lily stalks. 

BLACK WIDOW:  
You can’t prove that was me.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
There is extensive video footage of the crime, actually.

IRON MAN:  
I got this. You’re good. It’ll all disappear by tomorrow.

BLACK WIDOW:  
Thanks, Man.

IRON MAN:  
You’re welcome, Black.

IRON MAN and BLACK WIDOW stare into each other’s eyes. CAPTAIN AMERICA clears his throat after a moment. When they don’t respond, he does it again.

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
Ahem. 

THOR:  
Is there jealousy in your heart, Captain?

IRON MAN reaches out his hand toward CAPTAIN AMERICA while keeping his eyes locked on BLACK WIDOW.

IRON MAN:  
Come on, Major. There’s room for one more.

BLACK WIDOW:  
As long as you’re sure you can handle it.

CAPTAIN AMERICA takes IRON MAN’s hand as BLACK WIDOW slips her arm into his. 

CAPTAIN AMERICA:  
I understood that reference.

IRON MAN:  
Come on. Let’s head back to the Tower.

The three start to exit.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
What about the park?

IRON MAN:  
I got it covered, doll. I’ll send my grounds crew over tomorrow morning to assess the damages.

COUNCILMAN:  
And the bridal shops?

IRON MAN:  
On it. I’ll get those fixed, too. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have some, um…pressing matters to take care of.

They exit.

COUNCILWOMAN:  
Well, that was nice of him, don’t you think, Councilman?

COUNCILMAN:  
It was. Say, Thor, have you got any plans for the evening? The missus and I would love to have you for dinner.

THOR:  
Thank you for the offer, Councilman, but I believe the Councilwoman and I have our own…pressing matters to attend to. 

COUNCILWOMAN:  
I thought you’d never ask.

They exit leaving the COUNCILMAN alone. The guy with the arrows enters, carrying several cups of coffee.

HAWKEYE:  
Am I late? What’d I miss? 

BLACK.


End file.
